Le Commencement

So, I feel like everything is ending and starting at the same time and I don't know what to do about it. I have this whole weird funk over me. You know how sometimes you get depressed and you don't know why and because you don't know why you can't fix it? Yeah, I'm like that. I desperately need to do work, but I can't make myself. I could go to bed early and say that I will get up early to work, but I won't. I will sleep until the last possible minute. This weekend I have to read two books en francais, write a bunch of reflections, research and write a french research paper (en anglais), learn a whole lot of graph theory that i slacked on (i hate ramsey theory at the moment), and try to apply for a summer job. At least once I make it past Thursday, I can rest until I take my two finals. Then I have to pack, graduate, and move out. I feel like I'm going to graduate and leave without getting to see people. I'm not ready to move on just yet. It's really weird to realize that I will NEVER see some of these people again. NEVER. In high school, I at least knew we'd run into each other at Wal-mart or something since we were all from the same town, but now, who knows? It's really weird for me to think about it. Also, two of my roommates from this year are going to the same area as I am next year, so we're considering living together again. I don't know if I can do it again. Lately they've been driving me INSANE. they're super hippies and i'm not. they're all buddy buddy and i'm not. i just don't know. part of me wants to live by myself with a kitty and be a cat woman at the age of 22. it'd be kinda fun. i sorta like living by myself. anyway, i need to decide semi soon so i can let them know and i don't know what to do at all. it sucks.
today was the awards day here. i won outstanding undergraduate in both of my degree areas - math and french, but i feel like i didn't deserve either. sure i have a 4.0 in each area (though not overall bc of stupid mid east history) but i'm most certainly not the smartest. i know i'm not. sitting through that ceremony just made me feel very much like i was inadequate. i was never involved in student government, so i guess i just suck. i would much rather have gotten the outstanding freshman advocate award. that would've met a lot more to me. it made me sad that i was never even nominated for it. sigh.
yeah. that's how i feel. i just feel very alone. other roommate's boyfriend has moved in here. there are constantly 5 of us in a 4 bedroom smallish apartment. i hate it. and she was my person and now she's always busy with him. and i feel like i'm interrupting or bothering if i ask to talk to her. i just really kinda hate it right now. i sat in my room on my bed staring out the window and cried for an hour the other day. no one even noticed that something was wrong. i know i have people i could call, but i don't feel like i can call them. i miss having that person to call. even the person that i thought listened to me, doesn't. and that person doesn't know what to do at all to help me. tries, but not the right thing at all. i don't even know where to turn. the one person here who could've helped i've been too busy for all semester and i screwed myself over with that. he's the one person i really miss a lot here and he lives across the street and i just never take the time to go see him. I just feel so icky inside. My hormones are all out of whack. seriously. i can't figure out if maybe having a guy live with us has f'ed up my testosterone levels again. i'm on medicine to lessen them, but i don't think they're working. i've been hungrier, angstier, and more aggressive. MUCH more aggressive. and hungry. i just an entire fucking pot of maccaroni and i think i could probably eat more. what the hell is going on? i'm really tired of it. i just want to hide in my bed forever. and ever and ever.

so, yeah. that's about where i stand. on a happier note today (at my last day) at the high school, the kids were all excited that i was there again. they told me i was a cool teacher and they wished i could teach them all the time. when i taught my lesson, some of them asked me if i could come teach at their school next year. it makes me happy that i'm decently good at what i do. also, we presented lesson plans in my education class and the teacher (who HATES math) told me that if i ever taught around here she wants me to call her because she thinks she could like math if i were teaching. she thought my lesson plans were really creative and sounded fun. it makes me really happy when people compliment me on that stuff. it's more important to me than my grades.

that's life i guess. maybe this blog will make me feel better.