Big ol update

Life is going well for me. I just finished up my second year of grad school for math. I've actually begun to really like it. I took some great classes from some great profs this year. I finally found an area of math that interests me enough to want to research. I found an AWESOME advisor. He's great and it's a project that I find really interesting. I'm just a bit burned out right now so I'm having trouble making myself do any work, btu it'll be ok. I can pull it together and find my motivation I hope. I only have to take one qual at the end of the summer which is nice. So I can relax a bit more this summer - research, qual studying, and maybe being a TA for a semester. It will be much calmer than last summer though I didn't hate last summer. Once I get in to the rhythm of the summer it's ok. I really don't mind studying all that much; in fact I kind of like it once I can get in the zone. It's neat to watch things click and to truly have a deep understanding of concepts. I wish I could feel that way on my research already. I get some of it, but some of it is why over my head. I think that's the way it's supposed to be with research though. You're not supposed to understand all of it at first, or maybe even ever. Pierre is super patient with me and doesn't seem to mind having to go over things several times if I'm having trouble. I really really lucked out with finding him to be my advisor. I usually trust fate, and again fate finally found me the right person. He's got a great personality that works well with mine. He gives me stuff to do but not too much. He has a good handle on how to work. I hope things continue to be just as great for the rest of my three years. Demetrio and Alina will be good assets as well, even if they are more intimidating, but they both seem very willing to help me and teach me. I know that Alina is a fabulous teacher so I just need to get over my bit of fear and let her help me. Demetrio really knows his crap on wavelets and so having him to help me will be SUPER useful. Hopefully I can be of some help to them, even if it's just in doing all the grunt work with matrices.
Outside of school, life is going alright. I'm a bit tired of being with the same people day in and day out. Hopefully I can branch out a bit somehow and make some more friends. We'll see how I go about doing that and if it works at all. Who knows? I have also been seriously thinking about moving to Europe after graduation. I think some people think I'm joking, but I think it would be a great time to do it. I won't have really much stuff that I would mind parting with or giving to Sarah. I can throw a fair amount of it into storage or ship it over the slow way. I can find a way to bring Penny with me because that would be the only deal breaker if I couldn't bring her. Plus, I'm hoping Pierre or Demetrio could hook me up with a job in Switzerland or France. Probs a better shot with Pierre since he's Swiss so he probably has collaborators over there. But Demetrio or Alina might. Never know. Yeah.

So that's where life stands right now. I should probably go do some research before the day is suddenly over again.

Reasons I am really not happy right now

- super depressed
- have to leave here and i like it here
- my dad sucks at life and manages to ruin everything good and make me feel guilty
- stupid f'in dr's apt that made me feel like shit
- stupid final that i don't understand
- points taken off by my mentor teacher on my review
- feeling completely inadequate
- feeling like a waste of space
- the fact that i am not in any way looking forward to next year
- people are leaving and i'm too busy to see them before they leave
- me sucking at life
- me having no motivation
- me in general.

So irritated I could spit

So this professor that I absolutely hate. Our entire class can't stand him. To the point that most of us have spoken to the dean about him and his teaching (or lack of). Today I presented a movie to the class and was planning to lead discussion after the movie. Or at least that's what I was told to do and what I planned for and what I WANTED to do. FOR ONCE, I was excited because we were going to have a MEANINGFUL discussion rather than his shittily led crap that he tries to pass off as a discussion. Well, NO. he cut me off and his idea of a discussion is asking "So what'd you think?" then running over anything we have to say to tell some stupid story of his own that no one gives a shit about. then after 15 mintues of discussion he says "well, ok, next subject." then we spent an hour listening to him bounce ideas about his class setup for next semester off of us. it drove me insane. he gets paid to plan his own damn class, not to waste my time having me do it for him. also, i'm irritated with the dean. where the hell does he get off trying to tell the prof how to run a class? does he have a f'in degree in education? i didn't think so. GOD. i'm so pissed off. what they need to do is have the damn professor talk to an education professor (i have two great ones who could help him without making him feel stupid), but when i suggest that i get swept off. i hate this. i hate this a lot. i miss feeling like my input had any sort of value. i really hate that class. i almost cried in the middle of it because i was so mad. i sit there and listen to him babble on about stupid medical shit because it's what matters to him. i listened to the economy obsessed girls chatter on about that. i listened to djj stuff. i listened a lot. but as soon as we get to what matters to me. what is important to me. what is what i want to do with my life because it's where i can make a difference, no one listens. no one cares. and he essentially told me that my view of the problem was wrong. i wanted to just go hit him across the face. i want to write a letter to the dean and let him know that this man should not be allowed to teach another class until he has taken classes in educational tactic. and to top it all off, my stupid roommate kept telling him he was doing a good job. she kept arguing everything i said. here's the deal - some profs do not need structured lessons, some are FABULOUS and can lead class discussion without a plan, but HE CAN'T. he is not a good prof and he needs lesson plans. He needs to know exactly what is going on. He needs to have discussion questions in front of him and FOR GODS SAKES can someone please teach him that class does NOT have to revolve around him talking about shit we don't care about?! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am so frustrated right now.

And on top of it all, I have a ton of things I need to do but I'm frustrated to tears which is not helping a) my motivation b) my level of patience with figuring out my math and c) my attitude towards life which was FINALLY starting to get a little better.

Sometimes I wish I could say what I really want to when I want to. It'd make my life a lot less stressful if we just said f it to societal politeness standards.

Le Commencement

So, I feel like everything is ending and starting at the same time and I don't know what to do about it. I have this whole weird funk over me. You know how sometimes you get depressed and you don't know why and because you don't know why you can't fix it? Yeah, I'm like that. I desperately need to do work, but I can't make myself. I could go to bed early and say that I will get up early to work, but I won't. I will sleep until the last possible minute. This weekend I have to read two books en francais, write a bunch of reflections, research and write a french research paper (en anglais), learn a whole lot of graph theory that i slacked on (i hate ramsey theory at the moment), and try to apply for a summer job. At least once I make it past Thursday, I can rest until I take my two finals. Then I have to pack, graduate, and move out. I feel like I'm going to graduate and leave without getting to see people. I'm not ready to move on just yet. It's really weird to realize that I will NEVER see some of these people again. NEVER. In high school, I at least knew we'd run into each other at Wal-mart or something since we were all from the same town, but now, who knows? It's really weird for me to think about it. Also, two of my roommates from this year are going to the same area as I am next year, so we're considering living together again. I don't know if I can do it again. Lately they've been driving me INSANE. they're super hippies and i'm not. they're all buddy buddy and i'm not. i just don't know. part of me wants to live by myself with a kitty and be a cat woman at the age of 22. it'd be kinda fun. i sorta like living by myself. anyway, i need to decide semi soon so i can let them know and i don't know what to do at all. it sucks.
today was the awards day here. i won outstanding undergraduate in both of my degree areas - math and french, but i feel like i didn't deserve either. sure i have a 4.0 in each area (though not overall bc of stupid mid east history) but i'm most certainly not the smartest. i know i'm not. sitting through that ceremony just made me feel very much like i was inadequate. i was never involved in student government, so i guess i just suck. i would much rather have gotten the outstanding freshman advocate award. that would've met a lot more to me. it made me sad that i was never even nominated for it. sigh.
yeah. that's how i feel. i just feel very alone. other roommate's boyfriend has moved in here. there are constantly 5 of us in a 4 bedroom smallish apartment. i hate it. and she was my person and now she's always busy with him. and i feel like i'm interrupting or bothering if i ask to talk to her. i just really kinda hate it right now. i sat in my room on my bed staring out the window and cried for an hour the other day. no one even noticed that something was wrong. i know i have people i could call, but i don't feel like i can call them. i miss having that person to call. even the person that i thought listened to me, doesn't. and that person doesn't know what to do at all to help me. tries, but not the right thing at all. i don't even know where to turn. the one person here who could've helped i've been too busy for all semester and i screwed myself over with that. he's the one person i really miss a lot here and he lives across the street and i just never take the time to go see him. I just feel so icky inside. My hormones are all out of whack. seriously. i can't figure out if maybe having a guy live with us has f'ed up my testosterone levels again. i'm on medicine to lessen them, but i don't think they're working. i've been hungrier, angstier, and more aggressive. MUCH more aggressive. and hungry. i just an entire fucking pot of maccaroni and i think i could probably eat more. what the hell is going on? i'm really tired of it. i just want to hide in my bed forever. and ever and ever.

so, yeah. that's about where i stand. on a happier note today (at my last day) at the high school, the kids were all excited that i was there again. they told me i was a cool teacher and they wished i could teach them all the time. when i taught my lesson, some of them asked me if i could come teach at their school next year. it makes me happy that i'm decently good at what i do. also, we presented lesson plans in my education class and the teacher (who HATES math) told me that if i ever taught around here she wants me to call her because she thinks she could like math if i were teaching. she thought my lesson plans were really creative and sounded fun. it makes me really happy when people compliment me on that stuff. it's more important to me than my grades.

that's life i guess. maybe this blog will make me feel better.